毕业前休学，一个211女生的gap year

申请了两次才成功

●实习的电商公司露台外。讲述者供图

●安妮的休学申请表。讲述者供图

我申请了两次才成功，第一次递交申请书，辅导员给我爸打电话。父母第一反应是“傻”，浪费一年时间，就算碰到好的公司，没毕业也去不成。我也被影响。

其实之前纠结了很久，不断追问自己，是不是真的要选择间隔年？如果一年结束，还是很迷茫怎么办？如何发挥这一年的价值？我每天记录自己的想法，梳理核心动因，最后，还是想知道自己向往什么样的生活，逃出内卷。

2021年9月，我向学校递交了休学申请。大四没保研，真的被推到节骨眼儿了。看着别人拿奖学金，我一开始也焦虑，想把专业学好，失败了，也就没想过保研。不考研要直接就业，对很多岗位和行业认知都还有偏差，对考公也迷茫——宇宙的尽头真的是公务员吗？

它留下了一些伤疤

●安妮的老家。讲述者供图

小时候家里冷，冬天长冻疮，手上起5毛钱硬币大小的水泡，破了后伤口溃烂，流脓发炎，很疼很吓人。爸妈并不会主动关心，给我加被子或暖手袋，反而会说哪里这么冷，是因为你没有运动，你很懒不做家务。在他们眼中我很失败，有很多缺点。我高考六百多分，我妈故意泼冷水，你们班还有几个六百多分的？我一下快哭了。

很多年后，有次我爸从县城带了一点药水，冻疮擦一下就好一些了。我才知道那不是特别大的问题，涂一涂就可以变好。现在不长了，但它留下了一些伤疤。

我对冷一直有很深的感受。休学实习是冬天，武汉非常冷，但我舍不得花钱买更多被子，得了慢性支气管炎。因为长期受冷，我很怨恨，觉得自己挺苦的，在外租房也不是自己的房子。每天晚上咳嗽，觉得自己很孤独，没有依靠。

休学后我参加了几次线下活动，有一个「生命故事写作营」，要求为普通人写历史，采访一个你身边的人，我挑的就是我爸。我奶奶是旧时代的童养媳，生了七个孩子，我爸最小却在爷爷去世后当家。他十几岁没了他的父亲，情感需求没有得到满足过，所以他给不了我们（爱），反而希望我们去承接他的情绪。

记忆中我爸彻夜赌博，当着邻居的面家暴我母亲。我被班级男生恶作剧打电话到家，我爸不听我任何解释，说要掐死我。

刚说采访他，他有点拒绝，不过（后来）打了几通电话线上采访，从武汉回家，我就发现他好像第一次对我敞开了心扉。他开车到县城接我回去，路上说好久没见我了，有点想我，出门之前特地跟我妈一起，把我房间的被子重新铺了。我听了受宠若惊，觉得温情又陌生，有点不太适应。

当时实习让我非常疲惫，我决定停下来，留在家里。

晚上我说有点冷，我妈听了立刻去储物间拿被子，整整齐齐码了一排，我看到很安心和踏实，也有点感动，原来他们这么厉害，打拼了那么久，已经有自己的房子，（有钱）买那一整横排被子。我的态度稍微平和了，对他们包容了一些。但后来我在家5个月，这样的时刻也没了……人怎么可能因为一两句话突然大变特变。

也是休学后在那个让采访我爸的「生命故事写作营」，一个独立学者跟我说，人类学很适合我。此前我从不知道人类学是什么，了解后发现的确吸引我，开始渴望更深刻的学习和思考，想成为一个不被异化的人类。

决定考研究生，我提前了两个月复学。每天三点一线，图书馆、食堂、宿舍，生活重新变成一大锅温吞的水。大脑中时常闪现广州的书店、帽峰山的人、拥挤的办公室，武汉的行道树，就像一场幻梦。

换了新宿舍，朋友不在了，毕业照是跟一群完全不认识的人拍的，常常被空洞感包裹。我反复问自己，gap year，然后呢？觉得是自己不够坚定。所幸考研一次就上岸了，可能专业冷门，报考人少，难度相对低。

身在局外

●安妮读研后去别的学校听讲座。讲述者供图

Take a leave of absence before graduation, a gap year for a 211 female student

picture

I applied twice before being successful

I have an optimistic and cheerful personality, and no major illness troubles.

 I feel that college life is very empty, and if I don't leave, it will only become a meaningless number in the employment rate of graduates.

Not long after taking a leave of absence, I received two internship offers, one from a large company and one from a small e-commerce company.

 After hesitating for a while, I still fell out of the big company - I have taken a leave of absence from school. I don't want to ignore my deepest needs and cast a layer of gold in the eyes of others.

 I interned at a large factory for a few months before, doing internal publicity. I had to sit there and pretend to have something to do, which was really exhausting. As soon as someone passed by my workstation, I bounced back to the WeChat editing page in a second.

The e-commerce company in Guangzhou, with less than 20 people, thought it would be relatively flat and more free.

 As a new media operator, I also like their product - opening a small shop selling healthy food, which is done very carefully.

 If you don't know what job you like to do, try more.

 Anyway, in the gap year, it's wrong to be wrong.

After going there, there was frequent overtime, unclear division of labor among colleagues, and a lot of arbitrariness from the boss, making it difficult to receive clear feedback.

 I was supposed to intern for three months, but one month later, I was suddenly called by HR and asked to leave on the same day because they had friends coming to work full-time.

Picture ● Outside the terrace of the e-commerce company where I am interning.

 Narrator provided pictures

Later, my friend invited me to a Wuhan education and training institution, to start a business team, and to have free working hours.

 I thought it was to connect with teachers, answer parents' questions, facilitate transactions, and optimize publicity.

 In fact, I have to do "anything" - decoration, cleaning, moving, picking up express delivery, squatting in primary and kindergarten to find parents and add WeChat, distributing flyers on the street and in residential buildings, almost exhausted.

There are four members in the team, and the principal only reads books on success. The arrangement of work is very unreasonable, and we have a lot of grievances.

 The principal came to talk to us one-on-one and asked for any good advice for the company and her?

 My colleague is a 6-year veteran in the workplace, avoiding the important and focusing on the trivial, or simply remaining silent.

I think making the principal aware of the problem may be the beginning of change.

 Just gave some examples of areas where she could improve in her work, but she cursed loudly, saying things like 'Did you do it yourself? You're insulting my abilities and trampling on my dignity...' I was confused and a little amused.

She started targeting me everywhere, asking me to misspell words and asking me to clean the men's restroom, but I didn't.

 But when faced with WeChat messages, my heart started to beat faster and my ears turned red. As a typical Enfp personality, I like harmony and dislike conflict.

 Fortunately, with the support of my colleagues around me, I dare to say that I am an academic affairs teacher. Why do I need to scan?

This is a valuable workplace lesson.

 I started learning how to deal with difficulties and seek help.

 Unexpectedly, the principal later told the big boss that we were distancing ourselves from her.

 I interned for about two months, and I thought I should think it through first, so I went home.

The reason I wrote for my leave of absence application before the internship was: '... to intern for one year... to further investigate and plan for my future life path.'.

 The counselor is like watching a monster, asking if the family has enough financial support?

 Is your family just a regular worker?

 They also scared me that I won't be able to find a job in the future, and they won't even want state-owned enterprises or the like.

Picture ● Annie's leave of absence application form.

 Narrator provided pictures

I applied twice before being successful. The first time I submitted my application, the counselor called my dad.

 The first reaction of parents is' stupid ', wasting a year's time, even if they come across a good company, they won't be able to go without graduation.

 I was also affected.

Actually, I've been struggling for a long time before, constantly asking myself if I really want to choose a gap year?

 What if one year ends and still feels lost?

 How to maximize the value of this year?

 I record my thoughts every day, sort out the core motivations, and finally, I want to know what kind of life I aspire to and escape from the inner turmoil.

In September 2021, I submitted a leave of absence application to the school.

 I didn't get recommended for graduate studies in my senior year, so I was really pushed to the bone.

 Watching others receive scholarships, I was initially anxious and wanted to study my major well. However, when I failed, I never thought about applying for graduate school.

 Not taking the postgraduate entrance examination leads to direct employment, and there are still misconceptions about many positions and industries. I am also confused about taking the civil service examination - is the end of the universe really a civil servant?

picture

It left some scars

I posted these experiences online and unexpectedly gained attention. I can't reply to private messages or comments now.

 The question is very trivial: Will I change dormitories after taking a leave of absence?

 Is it still a class?

 How can I get my tuition refunded if I want to drop out?

 Can I register for the postgraduate entrance examination during my leave of absence?

 Some people want to take a leave of absence, but their families do not agree.

Many people, like me, were locked in their studies during high school and did not develop side relationships such as interpersonal relationships.

 I used to think that universities should have a culture of freedom, but after entering, I found that teachers completing tasks are the same, and students do not worry about their future or self-development. anxiety comes more from competing with people around them, how to become better within the existing system, and how to obtain the opportunity for recommendation for graduate school.

Our counselor studies psychology. Every now and then, classmates confide in her and say they have psychological problems that they can't think of. They ask the teacher for some advice, and the teacher will like it very much.

 I feel very suffocated.

 When he joined the party, a male classmate was reported as gay.

 A teacher's daughter, who could have been admitted to graduate school, was reported by a competitor for failing to sign in at class and was subsequently taken down.

I know that taking a leave of absence is controversial, and the original intention of posting was to believe that it is an option that the vast majority of people are not aware of.

 Many people send lengthy articles seeking advice, saying they are confused, unsure of what to do, and their parents do not agree.

 In fact, the most crucial sentence is to take responsibility for one's own choices.

I convinced my parents to agree to take a leave of absence, and one important factor is the economy.

 Internships earn some salary, and renting is also shared. Previously, I saved five to six thousand yuan through part-time jobs and internships.

 My home is located in a mountainous area of Hubei Province, in a village that is 20-30 kilometers away from the county town. It takes 40-50 minutes by bus to get there.

 My sister is 9 years older than me, and my parents are busy selling household appliances. Our family is relatively well-off in the village.

 But they provide little reliance, and at the same time, they have less control and more freedom.

Picture ● Annie's hometown.

 Narrator provided pictures

When I was a child, my home was cold and I developed frostbite in winter. I had blisters on my hands that were the size of a 50 cent coin, and when they broke, the wounds would ulcerate, pus would flow, and become inflamed. It was very painful and frightening.

 My parents don't take the initiative to care and add me a blanket or a warm handbag. Instead, they say it's not so cold because you don't exercise and are lazy to do housework.

 In their eyes, I am a failure with many flaws.

 I scored over 600 points in the college entrance examination, but my mom deliberately poured cold water on me. How many students in your class still scored over 600 points?

 I'm about to cry.

Many years later, one time my dad brought some medicine from the county town, and the frostbite was cured by wiping it.

 I just realized that it's not a big problem, just apply it and it will get better.

 It doesn't grow anymore, but it has left some scars.

I have always had a deep sense of coldness.

 Taking a leave of absence for an internship is in winter, and it's very cold in Wuhan, but I can't bear to spend money on more blankets and have contracted chronic bronchitis.

 Because I have been exposed to cold for a long time, I am very resentful and feel that I am suffering. Renting a house outside is not my own house.

 Coughing every night, feeling lonely and without support.

After taking a leave of absence, I participated in several offline activities, including a "Life Story Writing Camp" where I was required to write history for ordinary people and interview someone around me. I chose my dad.

 My grandmother was a child bride in the old days and had seven children, while my father, the youngest, became the head of the family after his grandfather passed away.

 He lost his father when he was in his teens, and his emotional needs were not fulfilled, so he couldn't give us (love), but instead hoped that we would take on his emotions.

In my memory, my father gambled all night and abused my mother in front of the neighbors.

 I was pranked by a boy in my class and called home. My dad didn't listen to any explanation and said he wanted to strangle me.

When I first talked about interviewing him, he declined a bit, but after making several phone calls for online interviews and returning home from Wuhan, I found that he seemed to have opened up to me for the first time.

 He drove to the county town to pick me up and said he hadn't seen me for a long time on the way. He missed me a bit and before leaving, he specially went out with my mom to make the bedding in my room new.

 I was pleasantly surprised upon hearing this, feeling both warmth and unfamiliarity, which made me a bit uncomfortable.

At that time, the internship made me very tired, so I decided to stop and stay at home.

At night, I said it was a bit cold, and my mom immediately went to the storage room to get the blankets. She neatly arranged them in a row, and I felt very at ease and touched. It turned out that they were so capable, had worked hard for so long, and already had their own house. (They had money) to buy that whole row of blankets.

 My attitude has become slightly more calm and tolerant towards them.

 But later on, I stayed at home for 5 months, and such moments were gone... How could people suddenly change drastically just because of one or two words.

After taking a leave of absence, at the "Life Story Writing Camp" where my father was interviewed, an independent scholar told me that anthropology was very suitable for me.

 I had never known what anthropology was before, but after learning about it, I found that it did attract me. I began to crave deeper learning and thinking, wanting to become a human who is not alienated.

I decided to take the postgraduate entrance exam and resumed my studies two months ahead of schedule.

 Every day at three o'clock, the library, cafeteria, and dormitory turn life back into a pot of warm water.

 The bookstore in Guangzhou, the people in Maofeng Mountain, crowded offices, and the street trees in Wuhan often flash in my mind, like a dream.

I moved to a new dormitory, my friends are gone, and my graduation photos were taken with a group of people I don't know at all, often enveloped in a sense of emptiness.

 I repeatedly ask myself, gap year, and then what?

 I feel like I'm not firm enough.

 Fortunately, I was able to pass the postgraduate entrance examination once. The major may be obscure, with few applicants and relatively low difficulty.

picture

Being on the sidelines

Anthropology has a famous "threshold" theory, which refers to a sacred ritual time and space that is detached from its original social position and outside of society.

 Switching away from the original space, in a brand new environment, you will have a clearer view of yourself in your original orbit.

 I hate sitting at my desk every day, dealing with complex workplace relationships and boring and worthless work. This is something I have seen clearly after taking a leave of absence, and I have also seen my own mediocrity and limitations.

In the first semester, we took a lot of method classes, such as running out and doing field work. Our group studied city walking - getting rid of the narrative of daily life and finding our own pace of life.

 I work very hard and feel like I'm learning something every day.

 I also audited a class in the neighboring major, and a professor from Harvard University gave a very interesting lecture.

 But every time the professor asks, do they have any questions?

 The whole class fell silent.

 I can't ask any questions, I don't know how to ask, reflect, or argue, I just passively accept, memorize, and use it in answering questions.

Picture: Anne went to another school to attend lectures after completing her postgraduate studies.

 Narrator provided pictures

After studying, there are many unsatisfactory aspects.

 The various reasons for skipping classes, disliking learning, and slacking off during undergraduate studies under the pretext of resistance have shown some consequences, such as changing the format of papers and not even knowing how to cite them.

I'm still not very good at handling interpersonal relationships.

 I didn't have any experience in student work during my undergraduate studies. At that time, I became a class leader when my mind was hot. However, this position was more difficult than I had imagined, and some people commented that it was to give extra points to the comprehensive test.

 Later, when I was awarded as an excellent member, the class group secretly criticized me for not fulfilling my responsibilities well.

 The feeling of being isolated and targeted made me so panicked that I didn't dare to read the messages. I gave my partner my WeChat password to see and called to read it to me.

One day, I posted an article that wasn't very positive, and a primary school classmate who hadn't been in touch for many years approached me.

 She didn't do well in her studies and started her own business in Wuhan. She is planning to get married this year, and her husband is 9 years older than her.

 She said I don't have to worry, my current state may be something they will never be able to achieve in their lifetime.

 I was deeply touched and felt a sense of reconciliation with myself - in fact, in my native environment, I have already come a long way.

 Later, when I was chatting with a friend, I realized that I might be a bit narcissistic. After repeatedly chewing on these pains, I should try to talk about them.

After taking a leave of absence, in addition to interning, I participated in two online camps to learn mindfulness, gradually joined NGOs, participated in conversations, and expanded my Tarot hobbies... I also participated in one education camp, paying five to six hundred yuan. Later, I found it particularly challenging, but in order to get a refund for outstanding students, I worked very hard on project assignments and interactions.

My past experiences have made me hope to gain support from the community.

 When I graduated from high school, I accidentally came across a pre college student training camp in a QQ group where I learned WPS and Word for the first time. We debated together, visited museums, and watched "Dead Poets Society".

 I learned a lot, and later I became one of their staff, running a public library, volunteering for high school tutoring, and returning to my hometown to teach.

 During those two or three years, my biggest gains were reading, self-education, and being my own teacher.

I am currently conducting research in Dali on digital nomads.

 I originally planned to stay for only one month, but I extended it for over a month.

 I didn't do anything academic at all, I did a lot of other things: setting up a stall, making new friends, divination, learning skateboarding, going to a Bai ethnic wedding banquet for dinner, and giving talk shows at the club.

 There are so many things to do in a day, which is actually excessive socializing and tiring. We should leave time alone, think deeply, and record them.

Money is also difficult to earn.

 With the guidance of postgraduate entrance examination, the institution will take a 50% commission.

 I want to help the landlord rent a house on social media platforms and earn some referral fees. Many people have asked, but not a single transaction has been made.

 Once I cooked in the community shared kitchen, stewed corn, yam, pork ribs, and stir fried cabbage. I was very satisfied and posted it in our family group to let my family not worry about me.

 My dad said that I have never experienced such a good life in my life.

 He felt that he was living a very difficult life, and I spent his money without giving him anything in return or taking care of him.

I now think that taking a break or not is okay, there are no shortcuts.

 The things that hurt you are still painful.

 The life of returning to the track is still somewhat 'outside', the ability to deal with people and be financially independent is still not obtained, and the job after graduation is still unknown.

 Having tasted the taste of self and freedom, I have no idea where to go.

1.The e-commerce company in Guangzhou, with less than 20 people, thought it would be relatively flat and more free. As a new media operator, I also like their product - opening a small shop selling healthy food, which is done very carefully. 

句子成分分析：

The e-commerce company (in Guangzhou), <with [less than] 20 people>, thought | it would be relatively flat and more free.
[As a new media operator], I also like their product -- opening a small shop selling healthy food, (which is done [very carefully]).

句子语法结构详解：

(thought 为 think 的过去式。media 为 medium 的复数形式。)

* thought 为谓语，采用一般过去时。
* it 开头为宾语从句，引导词 that 被省略。
* be 为系动词作谓语，采用一般过去将来时。
* flat 为形容词作表语。
* like 为谓语，采用一般现在时。
* opening 为现在分词，作状语。
* selling 为现在分词，作状语。
* which 为关系代词，引导非限制性定语从句。
* done 为谓语，采用一般现在时和被动语态。
* would 为情态动词。I 为人称代词主格。their 为形容词型物主代词。is 为助动词。the 为定冠词。a 为不定冠词。

句子相关词汇解释：

Phrase:

Vocabulary:

句子相关学习点：

 as, when, while 的区别

2. I used to think that universities should have a culture of freedom, but after entering, I found that teachers completing tasks are the same, and students do not worry about their future or self-development.

句子成分分析：

I used to think | that universities should have a culture (of freedom), || but [after entering], I found | that teachers completing tasks are the same, || and students do not worry about their future or self-development.

句子语法结构详解：

(found 为 find 的过去式。)

* think 为谓语。
* 第1个 that 为连词，引导宾语从句。
* have 为谓语。
* but 为并列连词，连接并列句，表转折。
* entering 为动名词，作介词宾语。
* found 为谓语，采用一般过去时。
* 第2个 that 为连词，引导宾语从句。
* completing 为动名词。
* are 为系动词作谓语，采用一般现在时。
* and 为并列连词，连接并列句。
* worry 为谓语，采用一般现在时。
* used to, should 为情态动词。I 为人称代词主格。their 为形容词型物主代词。do 为助动词。the 为定冠词。a 为不定冠词。

句子相关词汇解释：

Phrase:

Vocabulary:

句子相关学习点：

 be used to (doing) sth, used to do sth, 和 be used to do sth 的区别
 work, job 和 task 的区别

3.The various reasons for skipping classes, disliking learning, and slacking off during undergraduate studies under the pretext of resistance have shown some consequences, such as changing the format of papers and not even knowing how to cite them.

句子成分分析：

The various reasons (for skipping classes, disliking learning, and slacking off [during undergraduate studies] [under the pretext (of resistance)]) have shown some consequences, such as changing the format (of papers) and not even knowing | how to cite them.

句子语法结构详解：

(shown 为 show 的过去分词。)

* skipping 为动名词。
* disliking 为动名词。
* learning 为动名词，作宾语。
* slacking 为动名词。
* shown 为谓语，采用现在完成时。
* changing 为动名词，作介词宾语。
* not even knowing 为动名词否定形式。
* how 为连接副词，引导宾语从句。
* to cite 为不定式。
* them 为人称代词宾格。have 为助动词。the 为定冠词。

句子相关词汇解释：

Phrase:

Vocabulary:

句子相关学习点：

 try to do sth 和 try doing sth 的区别
 below 和 under 的区别
 as, when, while 的区别
 paper 可以是不可数名词， 也可以是可数名词

4. The life of returning to the track is still somewhat 'outside', the ability to deal with people and be financially independent is still not obtained, and the job after graduation is still unknown.

句子成分分析：

The life (of returning to the track) is [still somewhat]'
outside ', <the ability to deal with people and be [financially] independent> is still not obtained, || and the job (after graduation) is still unknown.

句子语法结构详解：

* returning 为动名词，作介词宾语。
* 第1个 is 为谓语，采用一般现在时。
* to deal 为不定式，作后置定语。
* be 为不带 to 的不定式。
* be 为系动词。
* independent 为形容词作表语。
* 第2个 is 为助动词。
* obtained 为谓语，采用一般现在时和被动语态。
* 第2个 and 为并列连词，连接并列句。
* 第3个 is 为系动词作谓语，采用一般现在时。
* unknown 为形容词作表语。
* the 为定冠词。

句子相关词汇解释：

Phrase:

Vocabulary: